At this time in my life I am having a bit of an identity crisis. I look in the mirror and wonder where I went. I used to be so out going. I loved parties and pubs, loud music and crowds. Yes I got older, but that was not so long ago. 
About 10 years ago I was at my job in a supermarket. I was the night supervisor at the front end. As I was sorting out a workmate on her register I was approached by a male. I had seen him the day previous, he worried me as he was buying a knife, which he abandoned after he found two dollars on the floor and announced proudly that he had found it and we weren't getting it back (weird). I turned and asked if I could help him, that's when he asked for all the money from the til. I asked if he was carrying any weapons or if he would hurt anyone. He said no so I turned to the girl on the register and told her to give him the money. That's where it all went wrong. She didn't find him threatening so she said no. Policy dictated that I hand him the money regardless, but she was not going to give it to him. He then started to get agitated. I had to do something and not knowing where any of the panic buttons were I called out to the girl in the liquor department to call for the management. The male proceeded to enter the liquor department and harass the server in there. I had also called for management and was on the phone to the police. At this stage I was quite shaken, but still in control of what I was doing. The male was removed from the store but continued to pace back and forth outside. As the police were only minutes up the road I did not worry too much as I assumed they would be there soon. In the mean time the male reentered the store and walked up to the service counter where I was serving a customer. As the til opened he flicked out a knife at me and demanded I give him the money. This is were things became hazy for me. I remember jumping backwards to avoid getting cut. After that he took cash, even gave some to the customer who was standing at the counter stunned, got himself a newspaper and left. I am happy to say he was apprehended shortly after the incident. He was given a good behaviour bond and released back to the town I was living in. 
After the robbery it was like something broke. I started having panic attacks, I could no longer do my job. I would like to say that it was just the PTSD and I eventually recovered. I have gone from an outgoing, working person to someone that hardly goes outside. My psychologist explained to me that over a life time there is only so much a person can take, eventually everyone has there snapping point and I had reached mine. 
There are some parts of me that I don't miss, what I do miss is feeling like I am a part of society. I can't seem to keep a job, loud noises increase my anxiety, I used to enjoy a drink with friends now it doesn't agree with me and pubs are fun but its exhausting for me. I make excuses to not go out sometimes, either that or I am just not feeling up to being around people. The old me is just gone. I guess I need to find a new identity, but that's not as easy as it sounds.  As per usual though I will push forward and remember that tomorrow is a new day. 

Naomi <3

To sleep, per chance to dream....

Well sleep my evil nemesis (haha) one day I will beat you. I have slipped a little getting back into a routine, so it is time to be hard on myself and kick some sleepy butt. A life time of bad habits is so hard to break. I have always found it easier to just stay up at night and emerge sometime in the early afternoon. This, however is not a healthy way of life. I miss out on the sunshine so I have low vitamin D levels all the time. This in turn causes a whole heap of other health issues. It would help if I wasn't such a hermit as well. Having said all this I have set a time that I must get up regardless and I am determined to stick to it this time. No snooze button, no going back to bed and no middle of the day napping. Lets see how I go this time around.

Toxic People

It has taken me a lot of years and therapy to realise that I am free to choose who I associate with. That includes family. Even now it is still hard to do so. I know some of you can relate when I say, I felt like I had to have a relationship with so and so, or I didn't want to hurt their feelings. Ultimately it was me that was getting hurt trying to deal with someone that caused me extreme anxiety, upset and other hurt.
Lets look at it like a piece of fruit (probably not the best analogy but I hope it gets the point across), there is no way you would eat an apple that is brown and squishy with worms eating its way through it. Now lets compare that to a relationship with someone. They constantly judge you, use you for things that they need and want, and then say hurtful things about you. Just like the apple, why should you put up with this person. It is okay to walk away, I have done this with some family members and friends and I know I am better off without them in my life. I will admit it was hard, especially with family members, but in the end they were not going to change and I needed to move on for my mental health. 
If you are unsure if a person is 'toxic' to be around here is a page I found that will help to identify them:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-flux/201608/8-common-traits-toxic-people
From psychology today, and remember always consult with a health professional if you feel like you are not coping with the world around you.

So this week has been a bit of a struggle sleep wise. I've had to try and correct my sleeping pattern so that I don't sleep all day. Anyone that has ever tried to do this will understand what a task it can be. Its been made even harder by the fact that I have a bit of a cold so when I lay down I'm coughing, and I have done something to my shoulder (don't ask me what I did though). I have managed to get up today and enjoy some of the sunshine and will be venturing out soon to take my dog for a walk in the off leash park with a friend. So I am going to take this as a positive and aim to get to bed at a decent hour this evening. Its always important to shoot for the positives in life. I may have had a few downs this week but I can always change it for the better. 
Moving away from that subject, I am slowly decluttering my house. Decluttering can be a very cleansing experiance. Mess causes me a fair bit of anxiety, however its a bit of a vicious cycle. Piles are created, I'm too tired or just can't be bothered that day to deal with it, so it remains there. Then more piles are created, and I look at the new pile and the old pile and the anxiety builds. It becomes the impossible task so I leave it for another day when I can deal with it, but that day never comes. So then I have a house full of mess and clutter. In the last few days I have been choosing a small section to declutter and clean. Making tasks smaller helps to make it look less impossible. Even if it is just one load of washing or one bag of rubbish per day, after a few days have a look at what you have accomplished and you might be surprised at what you have done. 
Have a great day everyone

Nai <3

In Brief...

Well this is my first post and I'm hoping that at least one person will read it. HAHA. A little about me, I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. What does this mean? Well its a label and I try not to let it define who I am and what I do. I have problems understanding why I act a certain way and connecting those actions to my thoughts and feelings. There is a constant battle in my head currently because I know what I am feeling and thinking is not quite right, but I'm still doing things that are wrong. I yell or get angry at people and feel totally justified at that moment, but later I will look back and realise I over reacted or I wasn't being fair. It is quite an alienating mental issue for me as people don't understand my moods or my actions and they are well within their rights, I don't even understand them. In order to understand other peoples feelings I tend to place myself in their shoes and think about how I would feel.Which, by the way, is a good thing for anyone to do. I suffer from depression and anxiety, which at times makes me paranoid that nobody likes me and they are just humouring what I say. Sometimes I think that people are talking behind my back about me and saying that I am just making excuses about my health to get out of events or just being lazy. I often feel that I have failed everything and everyone and that my life is a joke, leading to thinking about suicide or hurting myself. I have nightmares all the time, some are silly, some are due to abuse I suffered during my childhood, and some are just plain creepy and weird. Currently I see a great psychologist, who has spent many years helping me understand and deal with my issues. Yes I do take medication, less now than a few years ago.
So thats all the bad stuff out of the way, like I said I try not to let it define me as a person. I have a wonderful partner. Me and Chris have been together for nearly 4 years now. I don't have any children myself, but Chris has 3 to a previous marrige that I spend time with. My babies all have fur. There is Ebony (mini fox terrier), Mushu (Old man fluffy cat), Houdini (scaredy cat), and Jazz (cat and lover of fluffy things). As I cannot currently hold a job I study through OUA online. I like to make sure I am doing something to keep me occupied. 
I would love to hear from others with BPD and your experiances in life.

Nai <3