The Lies That we Tell

How many lies to I tell people per day? I tell many. I'm not talking about the malicious lies thatpeople tell to cause trouble. I'm talking about the lies I tell in order to try to seem normal to others.
I wake up in the morning.  My first lie of the day; I am happy that it is a new day. In reality I'm trying to convince myself that in order for my life to function I need to do something other that staying in bed.
The "How are you?" Lie; My answer, " Pretty good thanks. How are you doing?" Sometimes this is true, others times its a lie. Nobody really wants to listen to my sad tale of woe every time they see me.
The "Is that okay with you?" Lie; Well its probably not really but I'm going to say yes anyway because I don't like to upset anyone reguardless of my feelings.
The lie I tell when someone gives me a personal compliment; In general I try to smile and say thank you.  It is hard to accept a compliment about yourself when you "know" that you are not pretty and you "know" that your accomplishments are nothing to brag about.
The "I'm fine" lie; Nobody wants to be a cloud of gloom and doom. So I tell my friends and family that I'm fine. I am not sure that I am ever really fine. I think I just have days that are better than others. 
I guess what I am getting at is just because someone says they are great and smiles doesn't mean they are.

A little low

Today I am feeling a little like people don't care. Even though I know some people do. I feel like just giving up. I feel like I can't be sick or not okay.  If I do this nothing will get done.  This week I have struggled with a lot of pain in my left leg. I am supposed to go and have x-rays done, but I spent most of today cleaning for a house inspection.  I am also supposed to be resting with my leg elevated. We all know thats not possible sometimes though. Besides all that I literally feel like I'll be judged and labled as lazy if I do what I am supposed to do. I wish there was an easier way to get my feelings across to people

Some Thoughts

It is just past 4am and yet again I am not asleep.  I have been very depressed lately and to make matters worse a member of my family passed away recently. 
Too many times I hold things inside and when, like a volcano most times, it comes to the surface others are completely confused.  For instance, my current depression is fueled mainly by the fact that I have tried for over a year now to get pregnant with no success.  I also question my ability to be a stable figure in a childs life. I told no one how much it was actually effecting me. I watched others have there babies and pretended to be so happy for them when I was dying a little more inside.  It even got to the point where I avoided going down to the shop because there were babies and baby items there.
To some it seems silly that I wouldn't just say something, but let me explain.  I never wanted to be the person I am today.  I fought hard to distance myself from the mental health issues of my family.  It was embarrassing that I was related to some of these people after years of dealing with their behavior.  I want to be strong and take on the world.  For the most part I try, unfortunately my mental illness only let me pretend I'm okay for so long before people start asking if I am okay.  Yes, I do need to tell someone and here is my other issues with doing exactly that. For most you would say, 'I am upset because of.....'. In my head I am already so nervous that you would think I was doing a speach in front of 1000 people.  Although it is me that is upset I worry that I might upset the other person.  Then, on top of that, I am convinced that the person that I am going to talk with will think I'm a complete loony and not want to talk to me again.
So there is an insight into what goes on in my head a lot of the time. Its very busy, and I can only assume that is what causes some of my sleep issue.  On that note I will attempt to try to get some sleep. 

This Life

We are all by default judgemental.  We see someone down the street wearing all black clothing with black hair and dark makeup we assume that they are into the gothic scene.  This is due to how society has labeled this person. It is not our fault just the way we have been bought up. In other ways we might see someone we have not met with for  years.  An instant thought might be, 'Wow they got old.' You don't relay that information to the person because you are aware that it will hurt their feelings.  Well I would hope that you don't.  I want to give you a scenario.  You bump into an old friend at a supermarket after 7 years. They look well just a little tired. You ask them how they are and they start to tell you about how they have battled with severe depression. How do you feel about what they have just told you? Now lets change that to them telling you about there battle with an illness that almost killed them. Which do you have more sympathy for and why?
My guess is that the life threatening illness was of more importance.  This is due to the stigma that society has placed on mental illness.  Personally if I run into people I haven't seen for a while I don't tell them anything more than, 'I'm good.' Why? Nobody wants to hear it. I'll be blunt here. I have told people and I'm met with the same face over and over again.  The glazed over look, the nod and smile and the people that can't stop to chat because they have somewhere else to be. I live in a very sad and lonely world full of otheres that don't understand because my symptoms are not on the outside for the world to see.
Here are a list of what I am feeling just today: headache, nausea, aching knees, sore neck and shoulders, blocked nose, depression, anxiety, frustration, dizziness, and extremely fatigued. Take out the mental health issues and you would think that I was just coming down with the flu. Well no this is a quite common day for me.  Yes I take medication and I see a psychologist and things have improved.  My hope is that one day I will be able to tell that person about my struggle without the stigma attached. 

At this time in my life I am having a bit of an identity crisis. I look in the mirror and wonder where I went. I used to be so out going. I loved parties and pubs, loud music and crowds. Yes I got older, but that was not so long ago. 
About 10 years ago I was at my job in a supermarket. I was the night supervisor at the front end. As I was sorting out a workmate on her register I was approached by a male. I had seen him the day previous, he worried me as he was buying a knife, which he abandoned after he found two dollars on the floor and announced proudly that he had found it and we weren't getting it back (weird). I turned and asked if I could help him, that's when he asked for all the money from the til. I asked if he was carrying any weapons or if he would hurt anyone. He said no so I turned to the girl on the register and told her to give him the money. That's where it all went wrong. She didn't find him threatening so she said no. Policy dictated that I hand him the money regardless, but she was not going to give it to him. He then started to get agitated. I had to do something and not knowing where any of the panic buttons were I called out to the girl in the liquor department to call for the management. The male proceeded to enter the liquor department and harass the server in there. I had also called for management and was on the phone to the police. At this stage I was quite shaken, but still in control of what I was doing. The male was removed from the store but continued to pace back and forth outside. As the police were only minutes up the road I did not worry too much as I assumed they would be there soon. In the mean time the male reentered the store and walked up to the service counter where I was serving a customer. As the til opened he flicked out a knife at me and demanded I give him the money. This is were things became hazy for me. I remember jumping backwards to avoid getting cut. After that he took cash, even gave some to the customer who was standing at the counter stunned, got himself a newspaper and left. I am happy to say he was apprehended shortly after the incident. He was given a good behaviour bond and released back to the town I was living in. 
After the robbery it was like something broke. I started having panic attacks, I could no longer do my job. I would like to say that it was just the PTSD and I eventually recovered. I have gone from an outgoing, working person to someone that hardly goes outside. My psychologist explained to me that over a life time there is only so much a person can take, eventually everyone has there snapping point and I had reached mine. 
There are some parts of me that I don't miss, what I do miss is feeling like I am a part of society. I can't seem to keep a job, loud noises increase my anxiety, I used to enjoy a drink with friends now it doesn't agree with me and pubs are fun but its exhausting for me. I make excuses to not go out sometimes, either that or I am just not feeling up to being around people. The old me is just gone. I guess I need to find a new identity, but that's not as easy as it sounds.  As per usual though I will push forward and remember that tomorrow is a new day. 

Naomi <3

To sleep, per chance to dream....

Well sleep my evil nemesis (haha) one day I will beat you. I have slipped a little getting back into a routine, so it is time to be hard on myself and kick some sleepy butt. A life time of bad habits is so hard to break. I have always found it easier to just stay up at night and emerge sometime in the early afternoon. This, however is not a healthy way of life. I miss out on the sunshine so I have low vitamin D levels all the time. This in turn causes a whole heap of other health issues. It would help if I wasn't such a hermit as well. Having said all this I have set a time that I must get up regardless and I am determined to stick to it this time. No snooze button, no going back to bed and no middle of the day napping. Lets see how I go this time around.

Toxic People

It has taken me a lot of years and therapy to realise that I am free to choose who I associate with. That includes family. Even now it is still hard to do so. I know some of you can relate when I say, I felt like I had to have a relationship with so and so, or I didn't want to hurt their feelings. Ultimately it was me that was getting hurt trying to deal with someone that caused me extreme anxiety, upset and other hurt.
Lets look at it like a piece of fruit (probably not the best analogy but I hope it gets the point across), there is no way you would eat an apple that is brown and squishy with worms eating its way through it. Now lets compare that to a relationship with someone. They constantly judge you, use you for things that they need and want, and then say hurtful things about you. Just like the apple, why should you put up with this person. It is okay to walk away, I have done this with some family members and friends and I know I am better off without them in my life. I will admit it was hard, especially with family members, but in the end they were not going to change and I needed to move on for my mental health. 
If you are unsure if a person is 'toxic' to be around here is a page I found that will help to identify them:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-flux/201608/8-common-traits-toxic-people
From psychology today, and remember always consult with a health professional if you feel like you are not coping with the world around you.