Some Thoughts

It is just past 4am and yet again I am not asleep.  I have been very depressed lately and to make matters worse a member of my family passed away recently. 
Too many times I hold things inside and when, like a volcano most times, it comes to the surface others are completely confused.  For instance, my current depression is fueled mainly by the fact that I have tried for over a year now to get pregnant with no success.  I also question my ability to be a stable figure in a childs life. I told no one how much it was actually effecting me. I watched others have there babies and pretended to be so happy for them when I was dying a little more inside.  It even got to the point where I avoided going down to the shop because there were babies and baby items there.
To some it seems silly that I wouldn't just say something, but let me explain.  I never wanted to be the person I am today.  I fought hard to distance myself from the mental health issues of my family.  It was embarrassing that I was related to some of these people after years of dealing with their behavior.  I want to be strong and take on the world.  For the most part I try, unfortunately my mental illness only let me pretend I'm okay for so long before people start asking if I am okay.  Yes, I do need to tell someone and here is my other issues with doing exactly that. For most you would say, 'I am upset because of.....'. In my head I am already so nervous that you would think I was doing a speach in front of 1000 people.  Although it is me that is upset I worry that I might upset the other person.  Then, on top of that, I am convinced that the person that I am going to talk with will think I'm a complete loony and not want to talk to me again.
So there is an insight into what goes on in my head a lot of the time. Its very busy, and I can only assume that is what causes some of my sleep issue.  On that note I will attempt to try to get some sleep.